Some people still haven’t grasped that there’s a more up to date thread on the whole ‘do husbands have a right to expect regular sex from their wives‘ issue than the one under the original post that went up on this blog in October 2009. Like this one for instance, from just a few short weeks ago.
People are still trying to post comments under the original piece, and I’m still refusing to let comments through on it from horrible/dodgy/downright-strange men who’ve never posted here before.
But I couldn’t resist publishing this next one, because once again so much work and effort has gone into crafting it it would just be mean of me not to.
So here’s Steve (a different Steve(n) from the one who’s just started posting here) with “Your husband has a right to expect regular sex part 3: the mansplaination edition.”
“I’m amused at many of the comments I’m reading in this post. All of the women here (save for Tracey Cox) seem to agree that men who expect sex from their wives are just boorish, borderline rapist a**holes. And some of the guys posting here are trying to have it both ways with their confusing, brain-twisting, politically correct comments. I suppose this is just an effort to avoid pissing off the ladies while at the same time partially agree with Tracey Cox’s view…while also making sure to throw in at the end: Oh but Tracey’s still an idiot!
WHEW! Well GOSH folks! That’s a lot to take in! Allow me to catch my breath!
Let’s try and break this down (if that is at all possible): The general theme here seems to be: Though we all disagree on many levels, we are all in agreement that Tracey Cox is WRONG, and that her advice is synonymous with saying that raping your wife is OK. Well I hate to break the news to you all, but Tracey Cox is RIGHT. Sometimes, the answer IS rather cut and dried. Sometimes the truth can be summed up very simply. Ladies…one common denominator I have picked up on over the years is that, generally speaking, many of you seem to be completely asexual these days (Or at least, very confused about your sexuality). I get this impression because I seem to hear similar “lack of sex” tales from many of my male friends, as well as from countless articles I have read. Most importantly though, I have derived this from my own wife…who has flat out admitted to me that she has no sexual urges at all anymore. (How…umm…romantic!) By the way, I think it is very important to mention here for the record that I TRY so hard for her. I’m romantic. I compliment her on her looks all the time. I tell her I love her every day. I tell her what a wonderful, caring person she is. I keep my body very clean, I always smell good for her, I workout, I jog 6 miles a few times a week and am in great physical shape. I clean up around the house, I take out the trash, etc., etc. I keep our double-sided sink empty of dirty dishes at all times without fail. I clean her dishes too. I initiate all TOUCHING: kissing, hand holding, caressing. She never touches me at all without me first touching her. She never, EVER touches me umm….well you know where. Forget sex…we are just talking basic, initial, flirtatious contact here. I try….she doesn’t. That is no exaggeration…all fact.
Ladies, like it or not, everything in the universe does not all boil down to a singular concern and respect for your “bodily autonomy”. Here in the U.S. this ridiculous obsession with a woman’s “bodily autonomy” has led to some atrocious, despicable evils, but I digress…that subject is for another post. Like it or not, as Tracey Cox stated, when you said “I Do” you did, in fact, ALSO say “I Do” to sex between you and your husband…and that neither of you can seek this from anyone outside of the marriage. Now set aside your seething anger with me for just a moment and think about that marital commitment for a moment. Try to think about it from your man’s perspective. I think we can all agree (if we are really being honest, that is) that, at least sexually speaking, this is a harder commitment for a man to make than it is for a woman. (Oh come on now, ladies….you KNOW this to be true). Again…it goes back to my conclusion mentioned earlier that you women (generally speaking) have become rather asexual creatures. Why you ladies detest being intimate with your husband when you once were intimate with him when he was your BF remains a baffling mystery to me. However, the bottom line is, you entered into a contract with your man when you said “I Do”. What’s that? You don’t like that word “Contract”? Well sorry, but that is precisely what it is. Part of that contract is the commitment to satisfying each others sexual needs. In other words, nowhere in that contract does it state: “where sexual satisfaction is concerned, there will be times when you must fend for yourself”! Really? Fend for myself how, exactly? Masturbation? Sure, sure…that beats the real thing any day! Why trifle yourself with REAL sex with a real warm-blooded woman next to you in your bed when you can just jerk off to internet porn? what about those of us who are married to women who consider this a form of cheating? What then, ladies? Any thoughts? I don’t know…sure seems like a real nasty sexual trapping to me.
Pardon me for stating the obvious, but you asked this man to forsake all others (particularly in the sex department) when you said your marriage vows….and then you turn around and tell him “No sex” for six months or longer? I’d love to ask that woman: “How willing are you to seek sexual counseling for this hang up which is clearly YOUR problem?”
Ladies…if you are not into sex with a man, then my advice is simple: do not marry a man. This is your problem to sort out, not your frustrated husband’s. Possibly the issue is that you are attracted to females and maybe you just have not admitted this to yourself yet. Soul search. Maybe what you need is to get yourself a girlfriend. Or…at the very least, stop torturing your husband, end the facade and divorce him so the poor guy can (legally) go find a woman who actually enjoys having sex with him.
While I do believe with all of my heart that there are still millions of wonderful, normal women with a healthy appetite for sex with their men….there are also millions of women out there who are guilty of pulling quite a fast one on there husbands: date him, have sex with him, marry him, then turn off the sex completely….while STILL demanding many things of him including FAITHFULNESS. Yeah…that’s fair!
Possibly the funniest part of all is that after he eventually cheats on you, you then have the gall to bash him as an unfaithful bastard to all of your girlfriends and family members. Of course the media also helps perpetuate this myth that the vast majority of these men are just that: bastards. So you go to divorce court, take half of his money and you walk away being held blameless by the court.
I suspect that many times, the woman is just as much to blame as the man in these situations…and sometimes even more so. So ladies…how about you stop telling your man to look at himself for the reasons why there is no sex and start looking in the mirror at your own dysfunction for a change?”
Blimey, that’s a lot of words. And all that just to say: “You’re wrong, I’m right, and you’re all lesbians!”
Too Much To Say For Myself 
Love this, and interesting how these types of comments always initially profess to be objective criticism, before dissolving into “Why won’t why wife sleep with me? FEMINAZIS!”
Sorry mate but your wife isn’t in love with you.
Cath,
Slightly different subject and apologies if it’s been raised before but what about a wife’s right to expect regular sex from her husband. Anyone willing to say she doesn’t have that right?
We’re right, he’s wrong, and I *am* a lesbian! Confused? Not me! Hee hee hee!
Um. Right. I must admit I’m not that good at the whole marriage thing. It’s just not my thing, I’m unlikely to do it, so I find this to be somewhat shaky and confusing ground.
But hypothetically speaking, if I were to get married, and say “I do” and my hypothetical husband also said “I do”, what exactly are we both concenting to here?
Just strightforward penis in vagina sex any time either of us wants it? A little bit of foreplay here and there? Any sexual practice either of us can ever think of? Like if I wanted to tie him up and whip him and then put on a strap-on and… I’m sure you can imagine the graphic details… Does he automatically consent to that when he says his vows?
I’d be interested to hear Steve’s take on that.
George, yes I’m willing to say it. No one has a right to expect sex off anyone, whether that’s a husband expecting it from his wife, a wife expecting it from her husband, or same sex partners expecting it from one another.
I think the key point is that no one should ever be made to feel obligated to provide sex to anyone. Because that then becomes a form of coercion, and that’s a very slippery slope for any relationship to go down.
What seems really creepy to me about the above is how Steve seems to approach his relationship as a game: he has an objective (sex), he pursues all the “right” activities (holding hands, cleaning dishes, washing himself), and thus seems confused by his inability to get what he wants.
Your wife is a person, not a toy that has a particular button combination that must be pressed
I’ll agree with Cath if we agree to end such nonsense as ‘infidelity’, and being able to divorce someone on the basis of it. If one person wants sex and the other doesn’t, potentially for years, why should they be repressed into ‘no sex’ as their only option. Why should they lose their house and kids simply for acting upon their hormones?
End the sexual ownership implied by ‘fidelity’ and we can all lighten up.
Yikes, this guy has some issues. “My wife won’t have sex with me…” and we can kind of see why: the whole tone of this piece is condescending and dictatorial at best. Maybe she just thinks he’s a jerk. Especially if he talks like this in the bedroom. Or maybe she’s depressed or there’s something she’s not happy about in her life that has nothing to do with him, but he feels that, because her world is centred around him, it *must* be something he’s doing wrong.
Anyway, I like the point made by Snowshifter: “Your wife is a person, not a toy that has a particular button combination that must be pressed”. Bang on.
Believe it or not Steve has tried to post yet another comment to the original thread since this went up – he’s so bright he hasn’t yet realised we’re all over here talking about him…..
Ok I read up to here…
Ladies…one common denominator I have picked up on over the years is that, generally speaking, many of you seem to be completely asexual these days (Or at least, very confused about your sexuality).
Yo Steve! Asexual does not equal ‘confused about your sexuality’. Asexual means ‘not interested in sex’.
“not interested in sex with Steve’ may just mean ‘sentient human being who doesn’t want to be bored into a coma’.
(Oh and confused about your sexuality does not = lesbian. I am confused about many things, mainly why Gideon George Osborne is allowed to be alive in a supposedly just world, but my sexuality ain’t one of them)
I thank you.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I think it’s just you Steve. I know lots of heterosexual women who like sex.
Ah so bodily autonomy is for men only is it? Now that explains why so many men are incapable of understanding women and their bodies were not created for men’s sexual pleasure 24/7. There is that little something termed ‘human being’ which means or should mean – all human beings are autonomous subjects, rather than as male supremacists claim ‘men are the defaul human and women exist to sexually service men 24/7.’ This applies particularly to husbands who still believe that once a woman marries a man she loses her bodily autonomy and instead is just a sexualised commodity and it is the husband’s right to rape her as and when he sees fit. Only it isn’t rape it is men’s conjugal rights!
Remember if men claim once they marry this gives them the automatic right of sexual access to their wives 24/7 then so too does this apply to wives. I wonder how many husbands would react if they awoke to find their wife had tied them up and was in the process of inserting an large object into their anus – because women need sexual pleasure too you know!
But of course Steve’s central gripe is the fact some wives not all of course are refusing to ‘sexually service husbands as and when the husband demands.’ It has taken centuries for women to finally be accorded a tiny right and that is it is now illegal for husbands to rape/coerce their wives into unwanted sexual activity. But Steve and his fellow compatriots see this as a denial of men’s sex right to women 24/7 rather than women’s right to be accorded sexual and bodily autonomy.
Think about it Steve – are there times when you won’t ‘put out’ because you’re too tired or don’t want to engage in sexual activity which you find boring or painful. I doubt it because as always men such as you believe the world revolves around you and women exist solely to sexually service men as and when men demand it.
Another point Steve – men do not spontaneously combust if they are denied sexual access to their wives – there is such a thing as self-stimulation and that is something men are experts at given pornography is avidly consumed by so many men and no all these men are not mutely sitting in front of their computer screens because their hand is busily doing something else and that is not blowing their noses!
But botton line is – men are yet again whining about their pseudo sex right to women and as always it is women’s fault for not putting men’s needs first, second and last. Sigh – I thought marriage was more than women being expected to sexually service husbands as and when the man says so – but apparently not. This proves my point – women aren’t human according to the male-centric definition – that right continues to be reserved for men as well as bodily autonomy which is why male sexual violence against women continues to be ignored and minimalised by our male supremacist society.
After all rape isn’t rape is it when it is just normal respectable men acting on their pseudo sex right to women and girls.
Oh and one more thing Steve ‘sex’ as defined by men means the penis penetrates a woman’s body which is not at all sexually stimulating or arousing for women but never mind male-centric sexuality is what supposedly passes for ‘real sex’ and that is why so many women are turned off this phallocentric myth because the penis is not the ‘male sexual organ’ despite claims to the contrary. The penis exists for reproductive means but reproductively has for centuries been intertwined with men’s sexual pleasure which means PIV or PIA both of which privilege men’s sexual pleasure and accord women what? Nothing whatsoever apart from soreness and endangering women’s sexual health.
News flash Steve – women aren’t mens’ sexual service stations – despite claims to the contrary.
I don’t think it can be stressed enough though just how important it is in any relationship to keep the double sided sink empty of dirty dishes at all times!!
I’ve only got a single sided sink Cath. What do you think this says about me (apart from my kitchen is very small?).
So have I Polly.
I think it probably says that we hate men, cos we’re denying them the opportunity to bargain for sex by keeping the double sided sink clear of dirty dishes.
Ok I read further. Steve, Steve, Steve! Gay people who get married to heterosexual partners for the sake of having a spouse aren’t THAT common, unless we’re talking Tory MPs, when it seems to be every other one sometimes. The fact women don’t want to sleep with you does NOT mean they’re a lesbian. Really. It means they don’t want to sleep with you, Steve. They may well want to sleep with many other men. Really Steve. It’s Just You.
Of course Cath, it’s all falling into place. That’s why my Ikea sink was named the ‘Dworkin’.
Exactly. They were out of Dworkins when I went, so I opted for the ‘Castrator’ instead 😉
I’m hetero and I like sex. My boyfriend doesn’t pressure me tho. He doesn’t expect PIV…. or anal (which would be a deal breaker for me), he doesn’t watch porn (also a deal breaker and turn off).
Also, it cracks me up how many men think porn is a good instruction manuel for sex, but then don’t get why their women don’t want sex with them. HELLO – no “sex” in porn is GOOD sex for women.
Cath,
Thanks for making an exception and posting this pouring out of Steve’s angst, although I can’t imagine any man in the position Steve claims to be in could write such a coherent piece while at the same time believing himself to be totally the innocent party. So I think it’s spoof, albeit with more than a grain of truth in parts.
After all many people marry / commit in haste and realise later, sometimes months, sometimes years that they made the wrong decision. But what is missing from Steve’s account is whether he and his wife have actually discussed his problem, and if so what the result was. All he says is that she has admitted (interesting use of the word) “she has no sexual urges anymore”. Indeed Steve seems to have discussed the matter more with his ‘male friends’ than with his wife. Again this seems to me to suggest that Steve hasn’t really lived in the situation he describes.
So my conclusion is that sadly, Steve has never been very good where sex is concerned and his long suffering wife has got fed up with his antics and would rather not. Also she might have discovered at this late stage, a man or woman who is rather better at inducing the extreme pleasure that good sex can produce and concluded that Steve is such a hopeless case that he’s beyond redemption.
Okay let’s start with ‘infidelity’. Infidelity is when one person decides to have an affair with another person in secret. It is a betrayal of a relationship, which extends to the children if they exist within the relationship. Adultery is nasty behaviour and wrecks lives.
If a person in a relationship no longer wants ‘sex’ then discussions must take place. ‘Sex’ in Steve’s case is I think, penis in vagina. It doesn’t matter how the act starts, the implication is with Steve, that it will end with coitus. Now some people don’t like coitus all the time when it comes to sex. They prefer the intimacy, the exploration all the things that are wrongly imho classed as ‘foreplay’. Person in this case is male and female. There is too much emphasis put on coitus. Like it’s some given right in a het relationship. Forever and ever. And this puts stress into a relationship, especially where there are children, work demands, money demands, household demands. People who expect coitus don’t see those demands or leave to the other person to deal with them. Self absorbed. Like Steve himself.
anyone who starts every paragraph with ‘ladies’ is not a good person.
george (?) i don’t think it is right for a woman to expect sex from her partner either, sex is not something you should do because you feel obligated, but something you should actively consent to.
seems to me like steve’s wife probably doesn’t want to have sex with steve. perhaps the problem lies with him? if he thinks a woman’s wildest dreams are having a clean kitchen sink…
This ‘perpetual consent’ from the “I do” moment seems to be primarily a one-way street, that men are concerned only when they cannot have PIV access to their wives. Well, there are a lot of men that break the ‘perpetual consent’ of “I do” also. Cath summed it up with “I think the key point is that no one should ever be made to feel obligated to provide sex to anyone.”
But, my money is on the fact that Steve is probably lousy in bed, and that would be the reason Mrs Steve has gone off playing sink-the-sausage.
Most women do NOT orgasm through PIV alone, they need clitoral stimulation. Of course most women are going to “go off sex” (meaning PIV) if they NEVER get an orgasm out of it, it becomes about as sexually charged as brushing your teeth.
And doing the dishes? You live there too dude. You don’t get extra points for being a reasonable human, reasonable human is the baseline. Doing the dishes just so you can ‘get sex’ also puts you below the baseline.
Actually my name is Steve and well some of this could have been written by me! Really it sounds familiar. In fact the whole subject came up recently and my wife said she hadn’t been too keen on sex. We still do it but I’m well aware that she wants it over with quickly. Why do we still do it? You might be asking!
When I first met her we hitched to Marrakesh in Morocco in the summer time. Well, we took the train through Spain: one trip involved a overnight hashish laden carriage with about 6 Spanish Legioneers. We got absolutely smashed and I sang Spanish songs.
Anyway Marrekesh, about 48C in July. We were like bunnies and the heat makes it really hot and slippery. I was into yoga at the time and hadn’t had sex for about 6 months. The food was spicy as well. This was our mecca… well one of them, the other one came in Yokohama in 92 as our bodies reached new heights of fitness with mammmmouth swimming sessions and aikido. I like that song by Olivia Newton John that goes, “Let me Hear Your Body Talk”.
That was then 23 years ago and this is us now. Our bodies no longer sense the dynamic approach of a new young person. We have become old and used to losing libido. My anti-psychotic drugs also makes me less keen.
Some men just don’t get it. A man is not entitled to sex from his wife whenever he wants, just as a woman is not entitled to money from her husband whenever she wants. You have to ask every time. If the other doesn’t feel like it, then you need to respect their decision. Taking each other for granted just because of some silly interpretation of marital vows just leads to dependency and an entitlement mentality.
“A man is not entitled to sex from his wife whenever he wants, just as a woman is not entitled to money from her husband whenever she wants.”
My answer comes by way of a quote from the great and wonderful radical feminist Andrea Dworkin:
“One of the differences between marriage and prostitution is that in marriage you only have to make a deal with one man.”
” … wonderful and normal women …”
Hahahahahahahaha
Hahahahahahahahaha
Hahaha … Steve, dude, no.
Mr Divine, even I wasn’t a lesbian on the other side of the world who is diametrically opposed to marriage, I’m afraid the Olivia Newton John revelation would have put the kibosh on things.
That’s “Olivia Newton-John,” Polly. Respect the hyphenated name or turn in your badge. BTW, plenty of hetero people think Olivia is still hot!
My fiancee doesn’t have sex with me and hasn’t for months. Her libido disappeared and we’re still waiting for it to come back. Does this upset me? Yes, a little because I like having sex with her. Do I pressure her for sex? NO! Because she’s a human being in her own right and she has absolutely no obligation to lend me her body. She likes watching me get myself off and sometimes holds me or kisses me whilst I do and I think that’s lovely. I know that she loves me and she is attracted to me and that she wants to want to have sex with me – just her medication is getting the way right now. I’m okay, we’re okay and once we’re married we’ll still be okay because we each accept that the other is an autonomous human being with feelings and desires, not a living sex toy.
(I don’t want a cookie, btw, I just wanted to show that at least some men are reasonable human beings who see women as equals)
Why not ask your wife directly what is happening? Isn’t talking to her a way to understand the situation rather than make a joke of yourself in Internet? Yes you are a joke mate.