I realise I’m going to face stiff competition from Anton, Kevin, Doug and others, but I’ve got to be in with a chance at securing this much coveted position at the Daily Mail :
Daily Mail
•Britain’s most successful newspaper group is offering would-be reporters and writers an exciting and challenging yearlong training course, plus the chance to work at the Daily Mail and Mail Online
•We are looking for bright, sharp, intelligent writers who believe they can be fast-tracked to the very top
•You’ll be on the best journalism course in the business – and be paid a competitive salary while you train
•Successful applicants will probably have completed post-graduate journalism training or had experience working in newspapers
Apply by February 21, with your CV, 200 words on why you think you could be a Mail journalist, a 200-word news story and a selection of up to six cuttings and send to Sue Ryan, Trainee Reporters’ Scheme, Daily Mail, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry St, London W8 5TT.
Please send queries to sue.ryan@dailymail.co.uk
Especially with the stonking job app I’ve just put together:
Dear Sue
I’m writing in response to your recent Guardian advertisement offering would-be reporters and writers an exciting and challenging yearlong training course, plus the chance to work at the Daily Mail and Mail Online.
I’m not actually sure I qualify as a ‘would-be’ writer, being as I already have extensive experience of being published by the Guardian’s online Comment is Free site. However, I’m mindful that in my time at CiF I’ve picked up numerous bad habits – I always try to adhere to the Guardian’s style guide for writers for example – and I know I have much to gain as a writer and as a would-be reporter from having all that hand-wringing wishy-washy PC nonsense trained out of me.
Apart from the ability to string a coherent sentence or two together (which I realise is not an essential requirement for the Mail but one that will certainly stand me out from the crowd once in post), I have countless other talents that I’m sure will stand me in good stead at your respected organ: I am uniquely skilled in my ability to trawl for dirt on Facebook, Twitter and other social media sites; I have a large vocabulary of shortish descriptive words from which to draw, in particular when I want to express my disgust and outrage at ladettes, immigrants and lefties; and I am completely lacking in any common decency or humanity, especially when it comes to death, someone’s physical appearance, or people’s so-called ‘disabilities’ (you know and I know that that’s just a euphemism for people who just want to scam our benefits system – am I right or am I right?)
Finally, in common with the ‘writers’ and ‘journalists’ already in your employ, I’m basically prepared to do and say anything for money, even if that means me having to come across like a ranting right-wing xenophobe with no grasp of actual reality.
I look forward to a positive response from you
Yours
Cath
Please feel free to point out anything you think I might have missed, or better still write your own application and either post it in the comments or blog it and then link back. Have fun!
Too Much To Say For Myself 
You forgot to mention breastfeeding women among your hate figures!
I think you missed out your desire to single out families of homosexual men who suddenly die or women who have lost their children while still in their womb. Mind you I think *that* particular female writer for the Mail is still there. Good luck Cath.
But can you bug phones?
You forgot to mention your family connections, your privileged lifestyle and inability to comprehend why some churlishly jibe at your distress at taking only one week skiing in Val D’Isere this year because hubby’s bonus from the hedge fund has been delayed as a bit of PR.
Luci – it’s all women period (snigger). Because you’re either too fat, too thin, too saggy, too boobied, too botoxxed, too wrinkly, too fecund, too spinsterish, too leftish – oh wait you’re never, as a woman, too right wing.
Another requirement you omitted- was not to have one original thought left in your head.
Surely your attributes also include understanding and love for your fellow human beings, Cath, even when they risk holding alternative views from your own?
LOL Cath.
Here’s my application to Daily Male:
Dear Sue, I have a vast experience of what feminism has done to women and I am sure the Daily Male would find my experiences so useful in supporting the fact (sic) men are the real victims of those nasty radical feminists. I’ve seen what those nasty radical feminists have done to men, how men are being told they don’t have the innate sex right to women (who ever heard of such nonsense because that’s what women exist for – to serve men’s needs etc.). That’s why so many men are being falsely accused of rape because the women falsely accusing them have been brainwashed by those nasty radical feminist man-haters.
Sue I have no ethnical standards whatsoever because my aim is always to sensationalise boring stories in order to increase readership. Yes I too, like the Daily Male enjoy writing sensationalist stories and depicting women as monsters. Why I’ve even taken classes in learning how to demonise women and portray men as ‘good and respectable males.’
I’m even a member of the BNP because I believe in traditional British values such as standing up when the national anthem is played; helping little old ladies across the road and of course supporting men who beat their wives because women have to be ‘put in their place beneath men don’t they?’
Sue I’m so right for this post I’ve decided I don’t need to attend an interview – instead I will be starting work at the Daily Male next Monday morning and I’ve already written a sensational article on the subject of why so many men are being made redundant and denied promotion opportunities. It is because women are being promoted over men and yet we mustn’t publish these facts.
Regarding salary – don’t worry I won’t be demanding the same salary as those important male journalists at the Daily Male because I know my intellect is vastly inferior to men’s so the Daily Male will profit from exploiting me.
Cath: do you realise being a male journo causes cancer?
Oh and you also need to able to conclude people have committed murder on the basis that they seem a bit odd.