This is a guest post by Polly.

Lesbian hating. There’s a lot of it about these days.  Well there always was. But excitingly it’s no longer confined to people who love hooters and hate rug munchers, real or imagined. Now it’s spreading rapidly, like a dose of norovirus, particularly, it seems among um – people of a liberal persuasion.  And even more particularly alleged ‘feminists’.  In fact so bad has it got that even Diva magazine (not exactly noted for their stance on anything in particular)  has noticed.

“And yet, for many feminists today, the issues facing LGBT women seem to be merely an afterthought. Once lynchpins of the feminist movement, lesbians have been written out of the move towards gender equality. Modern feminists can seem so obsessed with proving that, actually, they’re nice girls who do shave their legs and have boyfriends, that the movement seems to  have left us behind.”

I think they may – for once – actually be onto something  here! Not something that’s exactly new of course, but something that’s increasingly rampant.

Well we all know by now don’t we about the wondrous 4th, 5th, 6th or 7 trillionth wave feminist (whatever iteration we’re up to now, I get so confused) ‘omnisexual’ Ms Nichi Hodgson, who thinks, (but life is too short of fun, so let’s repeat it,  because after all SHE did) this:

“As for choice and relativity, there are feminists who rail against male supremacy, who, arguably, oppress themselves in doing so. Political lesbians, for example, who refuse to sleep with men until rape and male violence against women no longer exists. Such an absolutist approach hardly seems like a choice, when there are plenty of men horrified by the thought of violence against women, and when the end result only seems to exacerbate gender conflict, which ultimately benefits neither men nor women.”

Which she said at the F word.

And then AGAIN in t’grauniad. Remarkable

“On men being discriminated against by feminist groups that won’t allow them voting rights, that isn’t the only example of discrimination. Another eg would be political feminists that do not have relationships with men on the basis that they are the historical ‘oppressor’, regardless of their personal position/relation to gender equality.”

So to summarise Ms Hodgson’s view (and maybe if she’s in the habit of googling herself  she’ll correct me and tell me I shouldn’t um –assume –stuff) women who refuse to sleep with men for whatever reason should shut up and put out because otherwise they’re not only oppressing themselves and all other women, they’re oppressing men, and what do you mean, you just hate cock, what kind of filthy pervert are you? Look I fancy women, being yanno omnisexual but it’s ok because I shag men as well. Just liking minge – eeeuwww gross!

Moving on though, it’s not only omnisexuals who think like this. Some self identified lesbians do as well. And they get published in the most (faux) liberal of newspapers.

“Over the last few years, lesbianism has become fashionable”

Yes I’d noticed that. It’s all the check shirts you get everywhere I think. That’s what I blame it on. Anyway I notice it all over the place, women just desperate for that lesbian look. Straight women going – do you think I look enough like a lesbian in this? It’s why that chap leaned out of  a car and yelled ‘lesbian’ at me the other week. Approbation of my fashion sense, no doubt. ‘Sister you are really working that hot lesbian look’  is what he wished to imply.

“Coming out as a lesbian is not, as many straight people seem to think, akin to entering an exclusive, trendy club, where inhibitions are chucked aside along with bras.”

Oh but it is, it is, bralessness is all the rage these days haven’t you heard? Large breasts, pah! What matters is fashion, no dyke worth her salt bothers with bust support, which is exclusively for straight women. Even if she is 40F

“Is it possible that we’ve become too liberal to admit that being gay is still hard?”

Well anything’s possible, but I haven’t  actually noticed anywhere becoming too liberal. Not even HM Govt, which is theoretically partly liberal, even if they do still like Phillipa Stroud.

“As a lesbian, meeting a partner can be fraught. Finding a compatible woman is one thing; discerning whether or not she’s gay is another. Unless, of course, you turn to the gay scene. But I don’t want to define myself by my sexuality. I think my penchants for Curb Your Enthusiasm, Mexican folk art and camembert are more significant markers of my personality than whom I choose to go to bed with.”

Well meeting a partner for anyone can be fraught actually. It’s true that if you’re heterosexual you’ve got a bigger pool of people to go at, but then if you’re female they include Wayne Rooney. And Jim Davidson. And Jeremy Clarkson.  Which would you prefer on the whole? Have you thought of joining a Camembert fan group maybe? They do exist. Maybe some sapphists  among them.

But as far as discerning whether or not someone is a dyke, ever thought of asking? Or maybe disclosing your own sexual orientation and checking what reaction this gets? Yeah I know, it’s a crazy idea.

“So, yes, it makes me sad that it is so hard to meet gay women other than via The Scene. Like any group or culture formed as a result of persecution, the gay scene is isolated, and often bitter. Gay and straight can be a real us-and-them situation. This is so frustrating if all you want to be is yourself.”

Yes it was so like that in 1950’s novels wasn’t it, an isolated bitter gay scene, based on persecution, which is the only thing I can think this view of the gay scene is based on. This woman lives in Brighton for dawg’s sake. Yes that’s Brighton, the supposed ‘gay capital of England’.  Pebbly beaches though….

“What complicates matters even more is that I fancy women who look like women. I have nothing against tomboyish, or even outright masculine lesbians. They’re being who they want to be. But I don’t want to date them. The downer is that as far as I can tell with my fledgling gaydar, these women make up a considerable proportion of the gay scene, which leaves me as a minority within an already very small minority: a feminine lesbian seeking one of her own kind. It’s like being a death metal fan who is also passionate about beekeeping.”

Well come on now: there’s probably a facebook group for Autopsy Torment enthusiasts/apiarists if you look hard enough, but FFS Grauniad what’s with the rampant butch phobia?

“Women who look like women” Because all dykes who don’t have long girly hair, make up, frocks and heels, look like men do they? I was extremely gratified to see that I wasn’t the only person who was pissed off by this  – one tweet read, “Author says ‘I fancy women who look like women’ Correction, you fancy women who look feminine.”

“My confused prepubescent days are behind me, but I find myself in mourning – grieving for the heterosexuality that might have been. I would never have chosen to be a lesbian. I hope that feeling changes.”

So to sum up, the only person in the entire world it seems the Grauniad’s “lifestyle” section could get to write about being a lesbian in 2010 is a self hating, butch/slightly boyish looking dyke hating, scene hating twenty something student fuller of internalised homophobia than if David Laws and Crispin Blunt got married and gave birth to a horrid superinthecloset Tory sprog. Dear sweet dawg and all the imaginary saints. Because that is what it’s really like being a dyke! Of course it is. We go round like characters in the ‘well of loneliness’ bemoaning our fate, dressing like a man (in a tweed skirt, natch) and never ever like – go to bars, clubs, drink (sinful and the cause of all social problems) alcohol or in any way have fun. It’s only the fact that I’m drunk NOW that has blinded me to the emptiness, the futility of my entire existence. No wonder I have to exist in a haze of real ale and 70’s disco.

Anyway, fear not – I have (as always) a solution. Nichi Hodgson and Eleanor Margolis should get together without delay as they’d make an absolutely lovely couple. And leave the rest of humanity alone.  Nichi can tell Eleanor where she’s gone wrong and  how she is oppressing absolutely everyone  by not shagging men, (and probably threatening the future of the planet as well because everyone know sex starved straight dudes don’t recycle) Eleanor can realise this is true and become the heterosexual, whoops omnisexual,  she longs to be after a little light deprogramming. Everyone is happy!

The Guardian lifestyle section can drag itself  kicking and screaming into the latter half of the twentieth century, and put that DVD of The Killing of Sister George away (or is it on betamax since they seem to have such a retro obsession?).  And I can go clubbing, drink and destroy society in my super evil lesbian way. My feet got to move, so get out my way.  I say, shame, shame, shame on you if you can’t dance too.  Cheers.