I played this while I was reading through the comments on my CiF piece last week about the campaign to change the way lap-dancing clubs are licensed. I know, I know, I probably shouldn’t have, but when you have to read through 500+ comments, a large proportion of which are accusing you of being a lesbian man-hating sex-hating femnazi Taliban castrator” as I so eloquently put it when I finally lost patience with it all, you’ve got to find some way to keep yourself entertained.

Anyway, I think I got a full house.

From the comments:

“Why all this fear of other women’s sexuality?”

Strike 1: yes of course, I’m opposed to prostitution and the sexual exploitation of women because I’m scared/envious/whatever of other women’s sexuality. That’s probably because I’m a sexless old hairy-legged harridan who can’t get a man.

“Well you’re a bit bitter aren’t you”

Strike 2: Probably because I’m a sexless old hairy-legged blah blah blah.

“Po-faced feminist fears men’s sexuality and wants to break the laws of nature by artificuially [sic] restricting mens access to sexual enjoyment”

Strike 3: So not only do I fear other women’s sexuality, I now fear men’s as well. Blimey, I really must be sexless.

“Another brilliantly inchoate and incoherent article from the high priestess of spinsterish sentiment”

Strike 4: And a spinster to boot!

“Tolstoy said that only happy families are alike. To that we can add miserabilist anti-porn feminists and chiliastic fundamentalist Christians – a marriage made in heaven.”

Strike 5: But it’s ok, rescue is at hand: I’m now in bed with right-wing Christians fundamentalists (although it’s making me very very miserable).

“Cath Elliot is just another female Taliban fanatic on a sexual Jihad, spouting the same old stupid 1970s cliches.”

“What a fascist. Move to Saudi Arabia”

Strike 5: And with Muslim extremists. It’s obviously a big bed.

“Ayatollah Elliot”

Hahaha

“Feminist sticks her nose in other people’s business, pronounces it immoral, and starts screaming hysterically.”

Strike 6: Hys-fuckin-sterical

“For God’s sake, stop being so po-faced!”

Strike 7: Did I mention feminists are humourless?

“It’s interesting to me that the Misses Bidisha and Elliot both seem to have a problem with sexuality, in that (I believe) they both identify as lesbian.”

Strike 8: And we’re all lesbians.

“Your argument is based on emotion, not reason”

Strike 9: Illogical emotional wimmin.

“Their agenda is very simple and straightforward. If they can get their daft laws passed, they can criminalize men, and thus hurt and punish them.”

Strike 10: And don’t forget castrate them. Mwahahaha.

“This politically primitive campaign is motivated by hysteria and emotional immaturity, and by women, who have unresolved issues in their relationship to men.”

Strike 11: Lol!

“The underlying belief in everything you say is that sex is fundamentally shameful or uniquely degrading”

Strike 12: OMG it’s true! I am the new Mary Whitehouse.

And finally, three that I managed to save before they got deleted by the moderators:

“You are merely pandering to your own hypocritical man-hating agenda”

Strike 13: Yes, I’m a feminist, therefore I hate men. The logic is flawless.

“you are manufacturing and touting a lie to cater to your own intended fringe group’s infiltration of society and dishonestly promoting homosexuality as a mainstream lifestyle.”

Strike 14: Lesbians, of which I am one, ‘cos I’m a feminist and as we know, all feminists are lesbians, have infiltrated society and are set to take over. Run for the hills heteros, before it’s too late! You don’t want to catch it too!

“Why is it always ugly women that are the strongest feminists?”

Strike 15: Bingo!

So there we have it: step back and behold the straw feminist in all her glory. She’s an ugly, bitter, humourless, man-hating old puritan who wants to spread lesbianism across the globe. It’s amazing how much energy gets expended on building her up and knocking her down again, especially when you consider she doesn’t actually exist. And I AM NOT HER.

The joy of straw feminist bingo is that anyone can play it. Just let it be known that you’re a feminist, and it won’t be long before you start to hear at least some of these accusations being levelled against you.

Have fun.

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