Comments on: “Your husband has a right to expect regular sex”

By: Cath Elliott

Cath Elliott — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 20:15:49 +0000

This thread is now closed. If you want to comment on this topic there’s a more up to date thread on the same subject here – http://toomuchtosayformyself.com/2011/01/18/more-on-husbands-and-their-entitlement-to-sex/

By: Katze

Katze — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 11:19:34 +0000

I have a similar problem with my wife whom I married five years ago. At first we had really great sex. The problem started with her first childbirth (four years ago), and of course I understood that she did not wish sex as long as she was awfully tired and sleepless because of our baby. However, in later years she adopted the position that she would not have sex with me unless I get a better job that would provide all of us (including her teenager son from her first marriage) with a decent living ( including a flat of our own), on the condition that she would not have to return to work. While I did do various odd jobs besides my regular teaching position, my income was not sufficient to provide as much material comfort as she expected. She also took offense at that while I willingly washed our clothes, did the cleaning and washing-up, etc., I cannot cook. Her response has been, apart from regularly calling me a loser in front of the kids, to withhold sex. Now she says she simply does not want to have it with someone whom she cannot respect. She claims to have lost her libido, and so did I; cheating on one’s spouse is not her style or mine, anyway. I wonder how her attitude might be seen and explained from a female perspective, and if there is something I could do to repair our marriage. Of course, I try to get a job commensurate to her requirements, but you may understand that this is not wholly up to me.

By: Susannah

Susannah — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 13:30:41 +0000

This is a topic near and dear to my heart, since I am
married to a man who has emotional and physical issues with sex. I
grew up believing that sex was an integral part of most people’s
romantic relationships, and that its main value was as a unique and
powerful way to express love and connectedness. I also believed it
to be a basic biological drive for most people, as opposed to, say,
a hobby. My husband, however, grew up in a culture where men are
horndogs and women just have sex to get what they want, and in his
mind the folks who partake in that are uniformly miserable. So he
rejected it entirely and prided himself on not objectifying women.
This is complicated by the fact that he’s queer, and vanilla PIV
sex is not his thing. Now add in the libido-suppressing
antidepressants, and, well, it’s a big ol’ tangle of trouble over
here. In my mind, there are a number of factors that go into fixing
a situation like this, and the first has to be distinguishing those
couples that have healthy dynamics from those that don’t.
Pestering, hassling and emotionally manipulating your partner to
give you what you want, even though they may lie there limply, is
coercion and unacceptable; growing increasingly frustrated and
miserable in a relationship where there’s no sex, for no real
explanation, and no apparent end, is fair. To say, “Suck it up” in
this situation is really quite unbelievably callous. We all have
needs, and sex is quite reasonably called a need. The fact of the
matter is that although no person “owes” their partner sex, what
they DO owe them is TALKING ABOUT IT. In a relationship you DO owe
your partner communication. Communication obviates the dichotomy of
“Constantly refuse and make your partner miserable and resentful” /
“Have sex when you don’t want to and become miserable and
resentful”. The red flag in the original advice column, to me, was
that the wife apparently just stopped wanting sex when she
previously had, no explanation given. After six months of that,
it’s clear that her relationship with her husband was damaged, with
resentment on both sides. To me, the obvious thing is to say,
“Look, I’m not sure what’s going on with me right now; if you’ll
give me some time, I’ll think it over, and if this continues, I’ll
see the doctor and/or talk to a therapist.” No one will ever meet
their partner’s needs all the time. This isn’t an all-or-nothing
scene. I think it’s fair to say that in committed sexual
relationships, partners have a right to expect sex in the big
picture, or a discussion about what’s going on. Not that anyone
should be expected to submit an affidavit every time they refuse
sex; but over the course of years, the topic must be brought up and
aired. The most important thing for a healthy relationship is
keeping the lines open- maintaining the emotional connection and
understanding. (The most important thing for an unhealthy
relationship, on the other end, is to die, quickly and
quietly.)

By: africana

africana — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 17:32:00 +0000

“But there doesn’t ‘need’ to be accommodation of anyone’s ‘needs’. Since I’ve never heard of anyone dying from lack of an orgasm. ”

true. but if we are willing to fulfill other needs then why not those of a sexual nature? perhaps we are guilty of over-exoticising and attributing too much importance to sex in our culture.

By: africana

africana — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 17:25:26 +0000

but i think, the general consensus is that other than anal sex (which is forbidden) anything else as long as it goes on behind closed doors and doesn’t degrade the dignity of either husband or wife is permissible. wmen are required, in the absence of psychological and physical problems, to engage in sexual intercourse however she is not required, by religious law, to enage in anything other than penetrative intercourse. that’s not to say that, muslim women do not engage sexually in different ways but if she feels that she doesn’t wish to perform oral sex, for example, she need not feel that she is sinning.

By: africana

africana — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 17:18:16 +0000

hi polly,
i think that may be true of strict interpretaions of christianity where sex is viewed only as a means of reproduction (thus josephite marriages). manual stimulation of the private parts by one’s husband or wife is certainly not disapproved of in islam. some scholars are of the view that oral sex is best avoided and that neither husband nor wife has a right to this. in parts of the us (georgia, i think) oral sex is in fact illegal and is classed as sodomy.

By: polly

polly — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 21:11:28 +0000

Surely if masturbation isn’t approved of in some religions (because it’s ‘spilling the seed’) then hand jobs and blow jobs aren’t either?

Just asking, and willing to be corrected, I’m not a theologian.

But there doesn’t ‘need’ to be accommodation of anyone’s ‘needs’. Since I’ve never heard of anyone dying from lack of an orgasm.

Again I don’t know everything and I’m willing to be corrected.

By: africana

africana — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 10:23:08 +0000

hi all,
i came over here via pickled politics, i’m slightly familar with cath’s writings from cif.
if a woman is repeatedly coerced (even non-violently) into an act as intimate as piv sex, it is sure to to do some harm psychologically and create huge resentment.

at the same time, though(you must have known this was coming) if we accept that generally men are are more desirous of sex than women and that masturbatory activities do not appeal to everyone (and indeed in certain religious traditions it is positively disapproved of or forbidden) there needs to be some accommdation of those needs, even if its not piv sex.

i would view a man who failed to engage repatedly and over a long period of time sexually repatedly and over a long period of time, with his female partner on the basis of his not being in the mood, in the same way.

By: andie

andie — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 16:04:00 +0000

Oh, here I see the term “regular sex”. It depends on what “regular” means to the couple. Regular to me is 2 times a week. regular to a friend of mine is everyday.
It is nice to have regular sex (when both want it) but in marraige there will be dry spells. It is never okay to demnd it. Nobody is entitled to sex from their partners.

By: andie

andie — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 15:59:29 +0000

(I am speaking as a woman and answering the original question, but I feel this goes for male or female).
A man does not have the right to demand sex from his wife, but he has the right to have sex with her. When does he have the right to have sex with her ? When they both agree to it. I don’t feel it is “fair” to deny your partner sex for a very long time and expect him not to get frustrated. He will get frustrated. Six months is a long…long time. However, he doesn’t have the right to demand it.
Personally, if you don’t feel like having sex for a long time, their is something going on and you need to address it with him. But you need to be understanding that he is going to feel unwanted, extremely horney, and complain a lot.
Getting married comes with certain “expectations”, sex being one of them, but these expectations do come with certain rights to the individual to say no. Nobody HAS to do anything just because the other person wants it.
There is nothing worse than being harrassed to have sex., but it also depends on how the guy asks for it and their reaction to when they hear the “no”. If he acts like a jerk, then hell no. My ex husband would curl up next to me and whimper like a whimpering puppy for bit, and it actually made me laugh and feel guilty enough to give in at times. Other times, I would tell him it doesn’t work, so he’d roll over and go to sleep.
My current husband is a bit of a jerk about it, so I don’t give in…at all. On the contrary, it pisses me off that I will wait it out a few more days.
There are other “contracts” to marraige and none others get so much discussiont than sex.